A Very Grinka Christmas Excerpt

"Ho, ho, ho!"

Nope, not Santa, but Syndago (very dedicated at playing Santa, though).

Yup, it's time for another Fractured Fairies tale! A Very Grinka Christmas is a new novelette that brings together several of the characters we've already seen in past Fractured Fairies stories and brings in a few new ones as well! But even if you haven't read any of the previous stories, you should easily slip into the humor in this holiday tale.

If you want a humorous Christmasy romp to read this holiday season (the fairies trying to burn the apartment down, Grinka forced to use a Christmas elf illusion, and more), then consider picking up a copy of A Very Grinka Christmas. You can find it at all major online retailers: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo Books, and iBooks.

And of course there's an excerpt below, along with the blurb.

Have a happy, fractured holiday everyone!

❦

A boy of at least eight runs up to Syndago and jumps in his lap.

"Oof!" Syndago may be big, but he's sensitive. "Be nice to Santa, little man."

Little Man proceeds to yank on Syndago's beard. "You're not the real Santa, and I'll prove it!"

Surprise, surprise, kid. Syndago glued the beard on. Superglue, even. He's one committed Santa.

The boy tugs harder.

"Ow!"

"Carter, cut that out and tell Santa what you want for Christmas." The boy's stalky father sidles up to me, offering a nicotine-stained smile. "Sorry about that. He gets a little overzealous sometimes. Takes after his mom." One corner of his mouth twitches. "There's a reason I divorced her." He winks.

Oh, for the love of immortals. Sadly, he isn't the first one who's hit on me. I mean, I may be in an elf outfit illusion, but it's still my usual hot looking body -- a necessity for my profession. Stripper.

A psychiatrist might say I'm overcompensating with my illusion due to insecurities. I hate psychiatrists more than I hate elves.

But if this obnoxious man knew the truth of what my illusion truly hid, he'd bolt. I'm tempted to let him cop a feel and find out what seashell-covered breasts feel like. The shock on his face would be priceless.

He shoves a business card into my palm. "Call me." His hand lingers on mine far too long.

One of the bulbs in the string of lights above me bursts.

Syndago levels a stern gaze at me as Carter bounces off his lap and pulls his father away. "Grinka, be good."

"Hey, it's only one bulb." I could have blown out the whole set. Or worse.

"They add up. That's nine already today."

"Cheap lights."

"I'm trying. Give me a break -- you know I don't have perfect control." Far from it. "Can we go home yet?"

"Almost. Two or three more kids and our shift is over."

Then I can see what the fairy twits destroyed today. They've been on a revelry bender since the beginning of the month, and it hasn't been pretty.

The holidays will be over soon. Yes, yes. And then they'll go back to their normal level of destructiveness.

I just hope I survive.

❦

A grouchy sea nymph who fancies herself a modern-day Scrooge. Bah humbug.

Grinka's main goal for Christmas: survive without having to celebrate a damned thing. Between playing an elf to her mopey human-sized giant friend's Santa and contending with the fairy siblings' holiday revelries, she's got her work cut out for her. And when some uninvited guests appear on her doorstep, she's forced to face a party of all the people she ran from when she left the Immortal World.

No thanks to that torture! Grinka plots to avoid the party, until she meets a handsome tree nymph who agrees to attend. Maybe, just maybe, this year Grinka will have a Merry Christmas.

Crazy Necro Antics, Fourth Edition - Wedding Bells Part 1: Wedding Crasher

The necromancer is a playable character class in Everquest, also called necro for short. Necros have an ability called feign death--some nicknames for this ability are FD and flopping. This series will highlight some funny instances of feign death. You do not need to be an Everquest player or even a gamer to laugh at these antics. Happy giggles!

It's that time of year. The time of year when many inhabitants of Norrath get a certain itch. An itch that Morrigann doesn't understand. All she knows is that the bells are loud and there's wine. Aside from the wine, why would anyone want to tie themselves to someone else for eternity? Especially elves and such--they have long lives. There better be a lot more wine for all of those years ahead. Today, Morrigann sneaks into a church and finds some of that tasty nectar. Excellent vintage!

Oh, look at that. Something that pairs perfect with the wine. How can she forget about the cake? Perhaps all of these luxuries are why people get married. Good drink, good eats. But it only lasts for a day. There are far better excuses to throw a party. Heck, being alive after a battle with a scary named mob is a great excuse to celebrate, and that happens practically every day in Norrath. Morrigann makes it a point to have something to party for as often as possible. This cake is delicious, though. Mmmm.

Morrigann has to admit, the bride has great taste in flowers. Such lovely deep purple blooms. And the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows draws the color out, making the flowers shine as brightly as they smell. Ah, such a nice patch of sun. Warm. Comfortable. The perfect place to take a brief nap. No one will mind, right? It's not like she snores or anything. Zzzzzz.

Oh, no. Has she been sleep walking again? How did she get here? She's not presiding over this wedding! Ugh, and these books are horribly musty. They need new copies. Hm, perhaps the couple hasn't seen her yet. It might be a good idea to sneak out of here before the minister gets here. That's going to prove difficult--the guests are already filing in, their eyes riveted to the front, watching the happy couple prepare to say their vows. Running might be the best option.

Morrigann makes a dash for it when the minister comes to take his place, but trips on the runner right behind the couple. They don't seem to notice immediately that she doesn't belong there, that she wasn't invited. Odd that, she sticks out like a sore thumb. Only Drakkin in the lot. Not to mention the guests are mostly wizards. And why exactly is a High Elf wizard marrying a Barbarian berserker? The elf had to have cast some spell on him. The berserker brandishes his glowing axe at Morrigann. Eek!

She pushes herself up and dashes down the aisle. The doors are so close! Ack! She tumbles again--these runners are killer. Wait, no. She pleads with them, claiming she's just an innocent necro who got lost on her way to someone else's wedding. These churches all look so similar. They're not buying it. The couple and guests gather around her, voices rising in anger. All those wizard epics have too many spikes. And keep the orbs of fire away from the robe! A creepy feeling washes over Morrigann when she realizes many of the wizards look eerily similar. Wizards of the Corn? She shudders.

Morrigann has definitely had enough of weddings for a long time.

Or has she?

Come back on July 8 for Wedding Bells Part 2: Broadsword Wedding.

If you have any suggestions and silly antics you'd like to see, please post in the comments! It's possible your chosen antic(s) may be used in an upcoming post. All requests will be attributed in the post with a link back to the requester's blog (so include your blog link as well if I don't know it).

NEXT UP: Magic Is Reality, Reality Is Magic - Midsummer