(Not) Writing With An Infant

WARNING: What follows may or may not be a work of fiction. Tread carefully into the realm of possible hyperbole. Do not let any likely truth scare you from either a) writing or b) having a baby (though it may scare you from doing both at once). I take no responsibility at the emotions the following text will invoke.

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(Not) Writing With An Infant

1. Wake up, tired and bedraggled, but determined to get some writing done today.

2. Play with baby, feed baby, change baby. When baby starts to get sleepy, sing and rock her until she finally drifts off. The little baby snores are a sure indicator she is out.

3. Place baby down and stare at her as she stirs briefly then goes back to sleep.

4. Boot up the laptop and open a word processing document, whichever project you decide to work on, though you don't remember what you had decided to work on the day before as you're exhaustion makes sure your short-term memory is so shot, you forget a thought from one second to the next.

5. Place fingers to keys in preparation to write.

6. Baby wakes up, screaming at the top of her lungs, as if she's affronted you even thought of writing. After all, you should be staring at her every second, even when she's asleep.

7. Pick up baby, calm baby, and get baby to drift back off to sleep.

8. This time, leave baby on your chest and get comfortable on the couch or bed, stretching your legs out. Carefully pull the laptop onto your lap without disturbing baby. It may be a bit uncomfortable to type around baby, but you will get some writing done today.

9. Prepare to write again.

10. Baby wiggles in her sleep and slips down, her butt smashing into the keys of the laptop. Maybe she just wants to help you write, but doesn't realize she needs to use her fingers, not her butt.

11. Adjust baby and pat her back until her squirming stops.

12. Take a deep breath. Now you can write.

13. Baby wiggles again. This time you hear the tell-tale pffffffft of a diaper filling.

14. Put the laptop down. Change the diaper.

15. Baby is now wide awake, smiling and cooing at you while you fasten her clean diaper on her.

16. Repeat steps 2 through 15, forgetting that you need to eat as well, until your husband gets home from work.

17. Shove fast food that husband brought home into your mouth. Feed baby. Hand husband baby.

18. Retreat into a room away from husband and baby with the laptop.

19. Rejoice at the silence. Sweet, sweet silence. No crying, screaming, pooping baby to interrupt your writing.

20. Wake up two hours later, the keyboard imprint on your face. You have written one whole word. At least you hope /hajt630kd= can be considered a word.

21. Now you'll write!

22. Your husband knocks on the door with a squalling, hungry baby in his arms.

23. Feed baby.

24. Look at the clock and know if you just get a good night's sleep, tomorrow you'll write. Definitely.

25. Get baby to sleep. Lay down to sleep. Wake up every hour to shush restless baby. Fully wake up four hours after laying down to feed baby, get baby back to sleep, lay down again. Keep calming baby at least every hour.

26. Wake up, tired and bedraggled, but determined to get some writing done today. Wait, didn't I just say that? No, I couldn't have. I just started talking about how to write with an infant. Really. Yes. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

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