I guess it's about time I add a new entry, huh? Well, I stayed home sick from work yesterday and did absolutely nothing. Slept till noon then watched my husband play video games all day. And of course, now I'm here at work and feel even more beat then I did yesterday. Hmph. That's not the way it's supposed to work!

Anyway, I guess I should talk about my writing woes. I'm having a difficult time getting into one of my main character's head. I don't know what it is, but he just doesn't want to open up to me. Kind of like he doesn't really want to open up to Tessa. And I thought she had major psychological problems (addiction to sex as a comforter and such). Looks like I have two emotionally messed up characters. I just feel like the next few chapters with Bastian's character are going to be dull and drab. Some of the things are necessary to happen, but I feel like I'm missing something more I could add to color the chapters. That's what revising is for, I guess. :)

I'm also reading Strategies of Fantasy. Did I ever mention how much I hate theory? Especially when it comes to fantasy. Sometimes I think people just pick apart things too much, look deeply into something that was never really intended when written, on a conscious level. The book is like two decades old too. They talk of postmedernism. Are we technically still in that era, or is there a new movement now? See this is what I get for taking writing classes instead of lit classes for my B.A. in English. Maybe I should save some of this rant for my reading journal...

Goal: write more than I did last weekend. I didn't write much because of a couple things. First, two rejections on a Friday do not bode well for encouraging me to write. I mean, they were nice rejections, and I totally understood why they were rejected (and it wasn't because my writing sucks, amazingly enough), but to get them before I have to write for the weekend! I have the luck... And then of course there was the aforementioned block with one of my characters. I'm just going to have sit down and force myself to write his chapters even if it is all crap.

Time to go actually work now. Here's hoping I don't fall asleep or throw up (gods forbid if both were to happen at the same time).

Okay, a few things. First, I'm depressed as all hell with my writing. And it's hard trying to unconvince myself that my writing sucks more than rotten eggs. I keep telling myself that I'm writing for myself, first and foremost, but that's starting not to work because when I read over what I wrote I think it's crap even before I send it out to be critiqued.

Speaking of something along the lines of crap... I finished reading Laurell K. Hamilton's new book Caressed by Moonlight. You know, she just isn't paying attention to her writing as well as she used to. Obsidion Butterfly was probably her last half-way decent novel. This last one was filled with sex (as with her other recent books), and major plot holes - yes I'll use the cliche - you could drive a Mack truck through them! It's no longer horror/dark fantasy that she's writing, it's straight erotica. Is she sexually repressed or something? The main character had six guys in her bed before this book started, and now at the end she added about, let's see, six or seven. That's a hell of a lot of men to keep track of. Not to mention they're personalities just aren't unique enough. Maybe one or two aren't one-dimensional cardboard cut-outs. If I ever get published (and that if is bigger than all the plot holes I found in her book), I will never let my writing slack that much once if I'd ever get a following of people who would read anything I write and praise it even it it was crap... There were a couple redeeming qualities about her book, but the behind the scenes mythology/religion used shouldn't be the only thing keeping the reader reading.

On another topic, I was a bad girl this weekend. I needed a breather from all the dark fantasy I've been writing. so, I wrote a humorous fantasy story. Mind you, my sense of humor sucks, so no one else would most likely find what I wrote funny. I think it's funny - I'm still giggling over it. I should have added to my novel, but I needed to get something humorous out of my system. Maybe I'll post it to my website soon. Then everyone can tell me how funny it isn't.

Enough for now. Back to work for me. *groans* When is my husband going to get that six figure a year income? With a library degree never... So much for writing crappily full-time!

Well, I made it through the first deadline of the term. I'm beat. Three more months left? I wish I didn't have to work, then I wouldn't be so drained. And of course there's the dreaded passing of the Admission to Candidacy. I have to edit my three chapters (not as extensive as I did this past week, thank the gods), and then hope my mentor will accept them. *Sigh*

Anyway, I was thinking this past week how some ideas come about. The domino effect is truly amazing at times. I know, no one wants to hear about this, but I'm going to talk about it anyway. I wanted to integrate my villian more into the first three chapters. Okay. Well, I had a comment about the character seeking help being poor, and since she was poor why would she ask for the Witches' help. Okay. Well, she wasn't poor to me. Her husband and her didn't have any children, so the big house was too big for them and that's why they're in a dinky house. So, I added in that they moved a few years back, just to show that they weren't poor. So, then I started thinking after I added that in: hmm, a big abandoned house in the orchards. Wouldn't that be a perfect hiding place for the villian? Hence, I will have a new scene (or scenes) starting in Chapter 4.

I know that's only interesting to me. Here's another one. Someone commented that the law building probably wouldn't be the oldest in town. Instead of changing it's shabbiness, I thought, why not make it in an old church? Hence another big underlying factor that will be woven into the book. I never thought t would develop into a holy war of sorts between the Witches and the rest of the people in Leera, but I have a feeling it will play a big part, especially when I'm working on rewriting the whole thing. Hmm....I need to come up with the mythology concerning Leera's Goddess (the Witches' diety) and the God (everyone elses' diety). Maybe to divorcies, so to speak?

Ignore me. I'm pathetic. Although, I'm happy to say at least I feel my world is rounding out a bit more. Although I still feel majorly insecure about my writing. *Sigh* Okay, time to edit those chapters...

Revising... I hate it. Okay, those words don't really hold the emotion I'm trying to express. I loathe it, and wish I could take my laptop and chuck it across the room when it takes me an hour to revise two $!#@ing paragraphs! But then if I had a laptop in peices it would probably take me much longer to revise. I love the writing, getting the bones down on paper is a thrill. But revising sucks beyond belief. I know I need to do it, I even have the battle plan in my mind of what needs to change (at least the big ideas), but it's pure torture. It's the perfectionism bug, I know it is. Right now, I have so many suggestions rolling around in my head that I want to make it perfect. Don't use facial expressions, or movement (how the hell am I supposed to cut all of those out - just description and dialogue? I think not). Watch the viewpoint - she can't see herself do this (then why when I'm reading many books does the author do that very same thing I'm chided over?) The revising is driving me up a wall (to use a wonderful cliche that seems to be the epitome of my life lately). Right now I just feel that my writing is terrible, that it has no color, no life, it's been degraded to mere words on paper. I'm self-conscious as I revise. I'm thinking how everyone else will reacte to how I word something, how they'll look at it and say that's wrong. And it doesn't help that I don't even have the entire rough draft of the novel written. How am I supposed to revise the beginning if I don't know the nuances that happen at the end?

Urgh, boo, hiss, grrr, grumble, spit, groan. Maybe it's time to blow my creative brain to bits and start over. No, no that wouldn't work. Maybe the revising has already turned my creative brain to mush. Bleh.