The Struggle Is Real

Yeah, I know there's a bunch of scary stuff going on in the world nowadays. It all makes me sad, so I tend to avoid it because becoming more sad is a bad idea for me right now. Heck, I've taken to ignoring Facebook for the most part because it has a tendency to effect my mood too much.

Speaking of mood, I guess that's kind of what this post is about. I figured it would be nice to be frank as well as get my current struggles out there -- hopefully it'll be a little therapeutic, too.

Writing isn't as easy as some people may think (and those of you who know writing can be tough are nodding your heads right now, I'm sure). But lately for me, it's been a major struggle. I haven't kept up a consistent writing schedule since the beginning of November. I was rolling with NaNoWriMo, making great progress, and then I got sick. That sick turned into bronchitis on Thanksgiving. While I'm mostly over the sick, aside from a cold or two here and there, the stuff back in November and December pretty much stalled my progress.

I know it's not the interruption alone that has my flailing, though. I've always had some issues keeping it together during the winter, and I'm sure I've mentioned before that I likely get SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Heck, I even tried one of those little blue lights one year and it gave me a headache, so I had to stop using it. Last winter was a pretty mild one, so I was able to keep up my momentum decently well. This winter, though, it's been way too cold, and Jack Frost doesn't want to release his icy grip. Mother Nature thought it would be hilarious to give us two snow storms, one on April 15 and one just yesterday, April 18. I think we got more snow in those two days than we have the rest of the winter.

Guess what, Mother Nature? I'm not laughing.

I was counting on April, the hope of spring, and Camp NaNoWriMo getting me back in the game and revising more. No dice with this weather. Unfortunately, I think I'm also still struggling with the shift in work time. I used to write mid-morning when Youngest napped, but since she started preschool, I have her nap in the afternoons. If it wasn't clear before, it is now, that I'm more productive, awake, and alert between 10am and Noon. Which sucks because unless I can convince Youngest to have a couple hours of quiet time in the mid-mornings (fat chance -- she is loud and has already asked me what half a dozen animals eat since I've started writing this post), I'm stuck with this writing schedule for at least another year and a half. Oh, and the days she's in preschool in the mornings, I'm useless since I'm still exhausted from all the walking (next fall she'll be in 4K in the afternoons, and hopefully at a closer school -- I really hope that helps).

Also, when I'm this moody, I sink myself into games and TV, and then nothing else gets done, so the house is a bit of a disaster as well. It could be worse, I know, but the disorganization in the house as well as all the junk we have (I have the pack rat gene from my grandpa, and my kids have inherited it -- not tripping into hoarder territory, but my study has become a storage room... my grandparents had a two bedroom apartment just so my grandpa could store stuff in one room, so I am reminded of that -- yikes), has been getting on my nerves, and every time I start somewhere, it feels like I'm treading water.

It just seems that my mind is in the middle of this never-ending battle, and not writing enough only makes it worse since I'm falling behind schedule. Those nice One-Year and Five-Year plans I had drawn up in December? Out the window!

I am happy that I've made a little progress, at least. I haven't given up, and I've revised some of Thorns Entwine the Blade, even if it's no where near the amount I should be at with almost one third of the year gone. I just have to accept that my schedule will need to be shifted, and publications will need to be delayed. That's one of the nice things about indie publishing -- you're not working on a publisher's deadline, so if life happens you can move things later without getting into too much trouble, as long as you don't have a pre-order up already!

And I do know all of this won't last. Eventually Youngest will be in school most of the day, and I'll be able to write when I'm most productive. Winter doesn't last forever, and my mood will be lifted up with the warmth of spring and summer. I just may need to start factoring in my winter issues when I draw up my future One-Year and Five-Year plans.

I know this post was a bit long, but it felt good to get my recent struggles off of my chest. And maybe if some of you are also struggling through the winter and other life bumps, you'll see you're not alone.

The most important thing is to never give up. Keep moving forward one step at a time, even if you only take a single step some days.

Bats, Kids, and Writing Binges

I am so close to the end of the first draft of Thorns Entwine the Blade! And it's haunting me. My brain can only think of the words I have ahead of me. So much so that I just want to sit down and have a nice little writing binge to finish it. Then maybe my brain can have a break, right?

I did get a great writing day in this past Saturday - 4000 words! 2900 of those were in one sitting (bad writer not moving for 3 hours... but I needed to finish the chapter!). But since then, I haven't been able to just sit and WRITE for a long stretch.

Kids and exhaustion are the two big reasons.

This is what I'm contending with right now as I write this blog post:

3-YEAR-OLD: What do Cheerios taste like?

ME: Like Cheerios.

3-YEAR-OLD: Like peanuts!

ME: No, they taste like Cheerios.

3-YEAR-OLD: Mama, mama, mama.

ME: What?

3-YEAR-OLD: I like pink eggs. What's your color? Is your color purple? (We have decorated blown out eggs on a bookshelf from Ostara.)

ME: Yes.

3-YEAR-OLD: What do Cheerios smell like?

ME: Like Cheerios.

3-YEAR-OLD: No, like fish! What do Goldfish smell like? (She's referring to the crackers, not the fish that swim around in a bowl.)

It's a wonder that I haven't bloodied my forehead from banging it on my desk. She does not shut up. Which makes it near impossible to read a sentence let alone write one, at least if I want Thorns Entwine the Blade to make any sense whatsoever. Heck, I can barely eat lunch because she's chattering every time I try to take a bite.

So, I have this awesome drive to GET TO THE END, but the threenager is making it pretty impossible. I've gotten a little done during her naps... but it doesn't help when I'm so exhausted and nap with her.

Also, being woken up early because there's a bat zipping through your house doesn't help in the exhaustion department either. Look at the little guy zooming around once we got him onto the porch. There was no getting back to sleep after that. O.O

Now my kid wants me to turn my light off so her stuffed animals can sleep. Mmm, this may require me to channel Bastian a bit. He draws his sword and says, "Try me." Uh huh, yup, brain is glommed on to the novel too much. Must finish...

(Not) Writing With A Grade Schooler

So, I have (Not) Writing With An Infant and (Not) Writing With A Toddler. It's time for, (Not) Writing With A Grade Schooler! All of these lists will be part of my upcoming non-fiction humor book, GSD vs. Everything (possibly tweaked, of course). Enjoy, and please allow yourself to laugh!

WARNING: What follows may or may not be a work of fiction. Tread carefully into the realm of possible hyperbole. Do not let any likely truth scare you from either a) writing or b) having a child (though it may scare you from doing both at once). I take no responsibility at the emotions the following text will invoke.

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1. Wake up, tired and bedraggled, but determined to get some writing done today (I know, I know).

2. Yay! Grade Schooler has the day off of school. You imagine how much writing you'll get done since she can entertain Preschooler.

3. After breakfast, you send both kids upstairs to play nicely, and open your work-in-progress. Here I come, words!

4. Clearly neither child knows the definition of the word nice. Five minutes after they've scampered upstairs, Grade Schooler shrieks, "Stop it, Preschooler! Leave me alone! I don't want to play with the doll!" Her tone curdles your insides, and you mourn the words you were just about to write.

5. You call both kids downstairs. Grade Schooler gets a lecture about how to treat her sister -- it's not nice to yell at her. Treat her like your friend. She's the only sister you'll ever have (seriously -- no more kids!). Even though she apologizes and said she won't do it again, you know she will. You just hope it's not today again. Then you tell Preschooler to listen to Grade Schooler if she doesn't want to play with something. Preschooler says, "I understand," in her garbled English, but you know she lies. She's saying what you want to hear. Smart ass.

6. Again, you send the kids upstairs, insisting they don't argue. This time it only takes two minutes before Grade Schooler is calling down to you. "Preschooler bit me!"

7. You trudge upstairs, put Preschooler in a time out, check on the status of Grade Schooler. No bite marks... this time. Preschooler gets her own lecture after the time out, and you wonder why you even try because you know she's going to do whatever the hell she wants.

8. Just as you're about to go back to writing, Grade Schooler asks for a snack. So everyone goes downstairs and you don't even attempt to write while they bicker back and forth during snack time.

9. Nap time for Preschooler! Now you'll get some writing done -- it's always the best time to do it (and you hope she doesn't give up her daily nap until she's in school full time). You tell Grade Schooler you need to get some work done, so she should read quietly. She's agreeable and settles down on the couch with a book.

10. Finally, you turn the music on and get into the world you're writing. Look at the words fly! OK, flying is relative. If you haven't written anything all day, 10 words is flying.

11. Grade Schooler laughs. And this isn't a quiet giggle. Nope, it's a loud, I-want-to-get-your-attention laugh. It's a trap. And you're dumb enough to fall for it by asking, "What's so funny?"

12. You're then regaled by what she just read in her book. Of course, you have no clue what she's talking about. Nor do you care about the story she's reading because you want to continue writing your story, damn it. But she ends up telling you about not only the book she's reading, but the whole series, which is long as fuck, before you can get her to shut up.

13. You tell Grade Schooler to go read upstairs. She obliges, but knocks something over in her room and wakes Preschooler up. Guess it's lunch time.

14. After a too long lunch, due to Preschooler's desire to take two hours to eat, Preschooler plays happily on her own. Now you can get some writing done. No fighting!

15. In a few minutes, Grade Schooler starts wandering around downstairs, looking lost. She declares she's bored. You can't understand because you're never bored -- you always have a novel to write since you can never seem to make progress on it. Plus, she has a ton of books, toys, and art supplies bursting out of her room to keep her busy for the next two decades. You point this out. She doesn't want to do any of that.

16. You're about to tell her to go do it anyway, when her face lights up because she remembers something. Then she tells you about one of her friends and what he did the other day (you're not sure what because you're not really paying attention) in great detail. You've never met the kid she's talking about and couldn't care less about the stupid shit kids get up to if they aren't your own.

17. Finally, you get her to stop talking about her friend. But as you're turning to look at your screen, she says, "Oh I have homework I forgot about!" Yup. And it's due tomorrow. She needs to cut pictures out of magazines and paste them on a paper and do who-the-hell-knows what with them. Magazines? You don't subscribe to any, since between the junk mail, your writing, and the amount of paper Grade Schooler's teacher sends home, you already have a major paper clutter problem.

18. You bundle Preschooler and Grade Schooler up and head out to buy some magazines that are just going to get cut up.

19. Once you get home and get Grade Schooler set up to complete her homework, Husband calls and asks what you want him to pick up for dinner because he knows full well you never have time to cook anything between the kids and writing. Writing? What writing?

20. Time for another snack. You then put Preschooler in front of the TV so you can get a little writing done before Husband gets home. Grade Schooler is told to finish her homework. She whines and claims it's no fair that Preschooler gets to watch a show and she doesn't. Husband calls again and instantly hangs up when he hears tears in the background.

21. Grade Schooler finally calms down and concedes to finishing her homework. You proceed to triple your word count. 30 words! Hot damn! Then Husband walks through the door with dinner.

22. You realize you've written less today than when you're home alone with Preschooler. Over dinner, Grade Schooler reminds you that she has Friday off this week as well. Yay...

(Not) Writing With A Toddler

Almost two years ago I wrote a post called (Not) Writing With An Infant. That was a fun little post, wasn't it? Well, I think it's time to write an upgraded version. The Toddler Terror definitely adds a new layer to trying to get something (anything) done. I hope you can at least get a laugh from this post.

WARNING: What follows may or may not be a work of fiction. Tread carefully into the realm of possible hyperbole. Do not let any likely truth scare you from either a) writing or b) having a child (though it may scare you from doing both at once). I take no responsibility at the emotions the following text will invoke.

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(Not) Writing With A Toddler

1. Wake up, tired and bedraggled, but determined to get some writing done today. Some things don't change from one age to the next, huh?

2. Quickly hop into the shower before toddler wakes up. Of course, when you get out, she's already awake. But she's not lying nicely in bed. Oh, no. She's already grabbed your phone and texted your husband ten unintelligible messages. You receive a text back asking if you've already dipped into the booze.

3. Change toddler's diaper, get her dressed, and feed her breakfast. The first two things usually include kicking and laughing, the last an insane amount of multi-tasking because she's sure to be banging on the computer keyboard while you're trying to cut up her banana. Or turning the computer off.

4. No hope for a nap yet (for her or you), you offer toddler about a million toys to play with while you sit down at the computer determined to get some work done. She seems content for now.

5. Open up your current project, start formulating your next sentence, and then halfway through the thought, toddler screams. A toy offended her. It wouldn't bend the way she wanted it to. She proceeds to have a meltdown for five to ten minutes.

6. Toddler finally calms down. OK, back to it. You try to remember what that sentence was you were pondering, but it's fled. Drat. Ah! You start typing, but halfway through the sentence you hear, "Blankie! Blankie!" The toddler is a yard away, lying on the floor with her blankie next to her. She wants to be covered up. No, she can't just grab the blankie and cover herself. Of course not. You get up to cover her to silence the screams of "Blankie! Blankie!"

7. You type another word in the sentence. "Cup!" Toddler wants her water while she's snuggling under her blanket. You oblige. "Plate!" Now the bananas she never finished eating. You set it next to her. "Pikachu!" Her favorite stuffed toy. You hunt around downstairs looking for the stuffed animal, and when you finally find it, toddler has thrown the blanket off and upended the bananas. She takes Pikachu and runs up the stairs.

8. For a second, you ponder leaving her to her own devices upstairs while you get some writing done. What's the worst she can do? Then the sound of a radio blares--she's playing with your alarm clock. You climb the stairs, change her diaper and brush her teeth while you're upstairs, then drag her back downstairs kicking and screaming.

9. Right when you set her down, she darts back upstairs. How can a 2-year-old be so damned fast? After a few cycles of going up and down the stairs to fetch her, you decide to hold onto her and sit at the computer.

10. Toddler bangs on the keyboard. Oh, look, she's written more words than you have. When you pull her hands away, she grabs at your neck and face and pinches. You imagine bruises forming on your throat. How can a 2-year-old be so damned strong? She wiggles like a crazed wildcat and you almost drop her.

11. Once she finally settles down, she stands next to you and says, "Hi." You say, "Hi," but you're sure there's a catch to the sweetness. She then proceeds to grab everything off of your desk. After a few minutes of chiding and snatching the items back, she runs off squealing.

12. You sigh, and hope you have a few moments reprieve. Amazingly, you bang out a whole paragraph! Wait. But it's awfully quiet. Too quiet. Uh, oh. You find toddler in the kitchen eating the cat food.

13. Toddler runs off after being scolded and starts torturing one of the cats. You pull her away and say, "Not nice!" She decides you've offended her, like the toy did earlier, picks up a hard toy from the floor and throws it at you. Then she throws her pacifier, flings herself on the floor, and bangs her head until you pick her up and try to contain her fit.

14. After another ten minutes of calming the wildcat, you decide it's nap time. Of course, the only way to get her to sleep is to sit in the bed with her. After ten to fifteen minutes of fiddling on your iPad quietly while you tell toddler to lay down, she finally drifts off to sleep.

15. Now you can get some writing done! But the last fifteen minutes of sitting in a nice, warm bed has made you sleepy. You snuggle under the covers and tell yourself you'll only close your eyes for a few minutes, then you'll write.

16. Two hours later the toddler giggles and wakes you up.

17. Change toddler's diaper, then prepare lunch (while taking your phone and iPad out of her clutches--your husband texted you again asking how much booze is left in the house and if he should pick more up on the way home). You both eat.

18. You're at your limit, and you really need to get some writing done. So, you inhale the guilt, and put a TV show on for the toddler. Bad, bad mom. You have her sit nice, then gather all the items she needs--blankie, pacifier, bowl of Cheerios, plate with the rest of lunch, water cup, and Pikachu. Once she seems sucked into the show, you sneak off to write.

19. Look at that another whole paragraph! Then the tell-tale sound of a plastic bowl hitting the floor interrupts your flow of thought. Toddler spilled her Cheerios all over. You clean them up, and then she has another fit because you're throwing them in the garbage. She throws her plate of food.

20. You finally calm her down and clean everything up. Maybe she'll sit through another episode, if you're lucky. But then you look at the clock and realize you need to pick up the grade-schooler. Crap.

21. You pat yourself on the back for writing two paragraphs today, knowing once your eldest is home, there will be no getting anything done. But that's a whole 'nother list.

Oh, Look - March!

How are we over a week into March already? Where does the time go?

Well, I honestly don't have much progress to report. LIFE has intervened. I'm not going to go into details right now, but I'm thinking life interruptions will be a factor in my writing progress for the next couple of months still.

Now, this doesn't mean I won't be trying to get some writing done, but unfortunately, there are just some other things that need to take priority. The only thing that would immediately move writing to the top at this time is a book contract. =P But here's hoping I can find little slots of time to continue revisions on Dead As Dreams as well as work on some short story projects. I would still love to indie publish more of my short stories, but right now I'll have to wait until I have bigger chunks of time.

However, I am still hosting Writing Quest every month. Come join us at Writing Quest - March!

NEXT UP: Wednesday, March 20 - Ostara!