The Struggle Is Real

Yeah, I know there's a bunch of scary stuff going on in the world nowadays. It all makes me sad, so I tend to avoid it because becoming more sad is a bad idea for me right now. Heck, I've taken to ignoring Facebook for the most part because it has a tendency to effect my mood too much.

Speaking of mood, I guess that's kind of what this post is about. I figured it would be nice to be frank as well as get my current struggles out there -- hopefully it'll be a little therapeutic, too.

Writing isn't as easy as some people may think (and those of you who know writing can be tough are nodding your heads right now, I'm sure). But lately for me, it's been a major struggle. I haven't kept up a consistent writing schedule since the beginning of November. I was rolling with NaNoWriMo, making great progress, and then I got sick. That sick turned into bronchitis on Thanksgiving. While I'm mostly over the sick, aside from a cold or two here and there, the stuff back in November and December pretty much stalled my progress.

I know it's not the interruption alone that has my flailing, though. I've always had some issues keeping it together during the winter, and I'm sure I've mentioned before that I likely get SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Heck, I even tried one of those little blue lights one year and it gave me a headache, so I had to stop using it. Last winter was a pretty mild one, so I was able to keep up my momentum decently well. This winter, though, it's been way too cold, and Jack Frost doesn't want to release his icy grip. Mother Nature thought it would be hilarious to give us two snow storms, one on April 15 and one just yesterday, April 18. I think we got more snow in those two days than we have the rest of the winter.

Guess what, Mother Nature? I'm not laughing.

I was counting on April, the hope of spring, and Camp NaNoWriMo getting me back in the game and revising more. No dice with this weather. Unfortunately, I think I'm also still struggling with the shift in work time. I used to write mid-morning when Youngest napped, but since she started preschool, I have her nap in the afternoons. If it wasn't clear before, it is now, that I'm more productive, awake, and alert between 10am and Noon. Which sucks because unless I can convince Youngest to have a couple hours of quiet time in the mid-mornings (fat chance -- she is loud and has already asked me what half a dozen animals eat since I've started writing this post), I'm stuck with this writing schedule for at least another year and a half. Oh, and the days she's in preschool in the mornings, I'm useless since I'm still exhausted from all the walking (next fall she'll be in 4K in the afternoons, and hopefully at a closer school -- I really hope that helps).

Also, when I'm this moody, I sink myself into games and TV, and then nothing else gets done, so the house is a bit of a disaster as well. It could be worse, I know, but the disorganization in the house as well as all the junk we have (I have the pack rat gene from my grandpa, and my kids have inherited it -- not tripping into hoarder territory, but my study has become a storage room... my grandparents had a two bedroom apartment just so my grandpa could store stuff in one room, so I am reminded of that -- yikes), has been getting on my nerves, and every time I start somewhere, it feels like I'm treading water.

It just seems that my mind is in the middle of this never-ending battle, and not writing enough only makes it worse since I'm falling behind schedule. Those nice One-Year and Five-Year plans I had drawn up in December? Out the window!

I am happy that I've made a little progress, at least. I haven't given up, and I've revised some of Thorns Entwine the Blade, even if it's no where near the amount I should be at with almost one third of the year gone. I just have to accept that my schedule will need to be shifted, and publications will need to be delayed. That's one of the nice things about indie publishing -- you're not working on a publisher's deadline, so if life happens you can move things later without getting into too much trouble, as long as you don't have a pre-order up already!

And I do know all of this won't last. Eventually Youngest will be in school most of the day, and I'll be able to write when I'm most productive. Winter doesn't last forever, and my mood will be lifted up with the warmth of spring and summer. I just may need to start factoring in my winter issues when I draw up my future One-Year and Five-Year plans.

I know this post was a bit long, but it felt good to get my recent struggles off of my chest. And maybe if some of you are also struggling through the winter and other life bumps, you'll see you're not alone.

The most important thing is to never give up. Keep moving forward one step at a time, even if you only take a single step some days.

Roland

This is a really hard post to write. I've posted about losing pets before, but at the end of April we lost our almost 14-year-old black cat. He was the sweetest and most loveable cat, and he was my Buddy Boy. Before we had our kids, he would make sure to nap in whatever room I was in. Even after the kids, when I was at the computer at night before bed, most times he'd be curled up near me on my husband's chair. Saying I was very attached to him is an understatement. So, I'm going to dive in with a list of all the things I remember about my unique kitty, a kind of kitty I know I will never likely own again. I reserve the right to edit this post in the future to add anything I forgot (there's just so much and my memory can be wonky).

❦ Roland was named after...yup, Roland from Stephen King's Dark Tower series!

❦ He was one of the meowiest (is that a word?) kitties I have ever known. We knew from the first night we got him as a kitten that we would never have a quiet night again while he was around! Therefore two of his nicknames were Mr. Meow and Meowhead. His purr was also crazy loud.

❦ He was also our Crooked Kitty. His tail had a notch at the base, and a couple notches at the tip. We don't know if he was born that way or if he got hurt as an itty bitty kitty before we adopted him. When I was taking a ceramics class in college, I made him a crooked bowl that said Crooked Kitty.

❦ He was our Great One-Armed Hedgehog Hunter! He loved to bring us presents--mostly sparkle balls, but one of his favorites was the hedgehog (which only had one arm). During the day he'd bring it downstairs, then at night while we were crawling into bed, he'd bring it back upstairs. Of course, he'd meow the whole way on his trek with the cat toy in his mouth. We knew he was coming!

❦ Oh, and he was part dog. He enjoyed playing fetch with his sparkle balls. AND he loved to dig. No, not in dirt, but in blankets. Many a time I ended up sitting on him on the bed because he dug his way under the blankets.

❦ He had a little black cauldron full of his sparkle balls. He loved picking those things out of there.

❦ We constantly had to clear sparkle balls out of his food bowl because he thought that's where he needed to deposit them. And he preferred to drink water by dipping his paw in the water and licking the water off his paw. NO cup filled with water in the house was safe. Many times I found an untended cup of water with litter in the bottom. Ew!

❦ He enjoyed chewing the tails off of his toy mice. He also enjoyed chewing string in half. He'd always ruin the ball of string for one of our other cats that's no longer with us. Pikachu loved them. Roland would not only chew the end off, but for good measure he'd chew it into several little bits (he never ate any of the bits, though).

❦ He was our Needy/Kneady Kitty. The first because he shamed those people that claim cats are independent. He wanted attention. And then he wanted more. If we locked him out of our bedroom temporarily, we heard his unhappy meows begging to be let back in. He insisted the first thing we did when we woke in the morning was give him itchings. The kneady part though was because he loved to knead. Especially our jeans...when they were ON us. I was insanely glad that we had his front claws removed because then we could allow him to knead to his heart's content (though he still managed to knead a hole into the corner of our current bed skirt--heh).

❦ Sometimes he would lie on his back and play with his tail. It was his way of trying to get our attention (it worked most of the time).

❦ At night, he preferred sleeping in between my husband and me, but when the kids took that spot, he decided sleeping on my husband's pillow was the next best thing. Who wouldn't want back claws tangling in their hair at night?

❦ That meow I mentioned? Yup, our little alarm clock...usually earlier than we intended to get up. And when going to bed, he would meow for a good 10-15 minutes too because, no it's not bedtime, it's love the Roland time.

❦ Being a silly human, I used to sing "Roland, Roland, Roland. Meow, meow!" to the "Rawhide" song.

❦ As mentioned he was my Buddy Boy--probably his most used nickname. Baby Boy Kitty, Little Black Cat, Monster Meow, Fuzzy Boy. More nicknames. He had so many! (For a short time at the end, he was also Demon Kitty, due to his glowing eyes in a picture I had taken of him.)

I feel like there should be a lot more to this list. We had nearly 14 years with Roland, but it's so hard to remember all the crazy, silly, lovable things he did. Perhaps this list is enough, but my heart says it isn't, merely because it will never encompass and truly show what kind of kitty Roland was. It'll have to do though.

NEXT UP: The Plan (What's this? Is the suspense killing you yet?)

October = Break Time!

A day late and a dollar short? Sorry for the delay. My daughter had a field trip early this morning, and I didn't want to stay up late to post last night!

Anyway, as seen from the last post, I'm still in a bit of a funk. I honestly think that the weather is affecting me more than usual even. The winter blues have pounced on me and they are digging their claws in! Therefore, I think I at least need a bit of a blogging break. Only for a couple weeks. I will probably have two more posts this month, then if I do NaNoWriMo, I'll likely be posting frequently in November.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to write. I'm through Chapter 4 for revisions on Dead As Dreams. I hope to revise at least another 10 Chapters, but we'll see how the month goes. I need to get my head and house in order so I'm not worrying about a million other things when I write. Maybe it's time to start meditating again (although if I try that, I may just fall asleep instead).

The Mind Behind the Mind received another rejection, and I hope to send it off to the Harper Voyager open submissions call in the next few days. I also received another short story rejection, so I have a few short stories to push out into slush piles again. One I may need to edit first though. =)

Speaking of short stories, I will be editing and formatting "Dancing in the Wind" and placing it up on Amazon for sale (may also go up on B&N and Smashwords) later this month. I need to finish the cover art for it, and I'm waiting on a friend to help out with some nice art. My initial goal is the 15th, but definitely by the 25th, as long as I get the artwork! I can always change the cover I guess if the art is delayed.

So, that's really what I have on my writing plate. I just need to keep plugging along. The two posts I hope to write up this month will likely be a contribution to Science Fiction & Fantasy Saturday with an excerpt from "Dancing in the Wind" and then on Halloween I'll have another Magic is Reality, Reality is Magic entry talking about Samhain--the first sabbat (holiday) in the Wheel of the Year!

Don't forget about Writing Quest - October!

NEXT UP: Only two more posts in October--one for SFFS (date to be determined) and the other will be a post about Samhain on Halloween!